Top Gear

Smashing Jeremy in the face we resolved that we would have to continue on our own. A Skoda Fabia. With a 2 litre. Hammond said we would need tools and May was quickly promised chips. Here was the brief. A Skoda Fabia around the track in one minute forty. It wasn’t going to be a breeze. We took off the doors. The heavy engine would give us plenty of traction. We bashed out the back window. Suddenly we were going on an off road adventure in Wales. Proper country lane shit. We saw sheep. We had some spare fuel and decided to do a mega marathon with trail rations.

Could we reverse up a hillock? Could we bollocks! This front wheel drive stuff was hard. We then took a Stanley knife and made all the tyres knobbly. This didn’t work. We reduced the tyre pressure. It worked fine and we reversed up the hills in sunny weather. It was time to camp. So we bivied. But we only had crisps for dinner. We woke up cold. We topped the fuel tank up at a Welsh station. Then we shifted back. Hammond claimed this was the craziest shit he had ever gotten into.

Jeremy was in a Make-the-Skoda-Faster mock up car. It was essentially a Toyota pick up. Powerrrr! Jeremy loaded the truck up with two tonnes of bricks and decided to drive it all over the grass! Then we handed it over to the top gear tame racing driver. Stiggy-boy. Ready, set, go and he was off. He powered his way around the track, blitzing it like a tornado. He failed to make the time. Then we did a night rally at Waddesdon manor with crowds and popcorn and hotdogs and it was a 24-hour race.

Jeremy shouted power and bashed out all the windows with a hammer. We then melted the interior and took out the lights and seats. We fitted narrow wheels and tyres. Making it with ease everything was great and under 1 minute forty but sadly Stiggy crashed and lost his crown jewels. May said f*** shit but eventually even Captain Slow had made the time. It was then down to Hammond who finished nicely but only in the nick of time. Jeremy said Skoda’s were like prawn baguettes with wheels. He said I AM DRIVING A BOWL OF SALAD. I tried it but I crashed and hurt my nuts. We’d managed to complete another epic challenge.

Convenience

Convenience is a bonus if it is reachable. But fury is like a dancing fairy. It cannot be restrained. I considered the deer. It is not amazingly convenient. But it CAN frolic like a butterfly. It CAN leap and it CAN bound. So, perhaps it is moderately convenient after all. I recalled Richard’s beaming face. To him the life of a pygmy meant convenience. He told me how once he had shot an elephant with a bow. Convenience is the price to pay for society. I mean some live for convenience. Some die for convenience. Some will kill for convenience. I just ate a sausage roll out of convenience!

I know a lot about this subject. If a car is coming towards you it is easy for the driver to break using his toes. In fact this happens to me a lot and I imagine the events in my head night after night. But it is harder for a person to move their entire body weight to an alternate direction using just their toes. A man was coming towards me and had to brake. Humans do not have brakes! Society is not THAT convenient!

Convenience convenience convenience. It is all I hear. The leaves of the forest are like branches. Going where they wish. Snow White is like a bucketful of chewing gum. But back to the deer. I caught one and gutted it instantly. I was grateful to the God of ease.