bananas

I had essentially kneed myself directly in the middle of the face. This was something that commonly occurs at parties. I considered these matters whilst at the leisure centre sitting with my back against the wall during personal downtime. I needed recuperation, you see. The left of my nose… the right of my nose…. mechanical impact… embarrassment. Oh I'm sorry. I was thinking aloud. I was proud of my thoughts nonetheless. The leisure centre was clean and bright. I retired and ate some savoury snacks. From the corner of my eye something moved violently. I froze. My body was in a fight or flight state. Adrenaline was released from glands in my nervous system. It acted to increase my heart rate. There was a large wolverine that had escaped from a local zoo. Being badger like I knew it to be one of the toughest of animals.

Fortunately the night before I had been practising cart wheels in front of my mirror in the hope that I might impress women with such an act. It was the kind of thing I did. It felt good. I found myself cartwheeling now with ease towards the door. The wolverine was angry. It felt threatened. I considered that its body was undergoing a fight or flight response. I decided to act calmly. The situation reminded me of something that happened two weeks earlier. I was beechcombing on a greek island when I saw a tortoise. It flinched as I approached and really I simply noticed that it felt threatened. It walked away once I was a good distance off. Fortunately the wolverine had found some of my savoury snacks. It started eating them. I laughed. What a funny creature it was really. But what happened next was from the buffoon's own textbook.

I planted my feet down and held out my hand firmly. I was a friendly person. I wished to give the animal a friendly welcome. It bit three of my toes off at this point. I was very happy because I had thought up a good joke to tell the beast when I had properly introduced myself concerning an escaped terrapin I had once encountered. But instead I felt the sharp crack of pain and I knew I was in trouble. But once I got to hospital things were looking better. A nurse told me I had been lucky. I had a few questions to ask. The doctor said go ahead. So I began in the following manner with the doctor replying… Will I need pain killers? No. Will I need a bandage? No. Am I allowed to walk? No. Do you have a toilet? Yes. Are you an Orangutan? Yes.

A second glance confirmed the worst. I knew Orangutans to be very dangerous when cornered. I then saw my wife coming who had been alerted to the incident via an SMS with bananas. The doctor (who was an Orangutan from Malaysia) then proceeded to chase her. I found this amusing. Fortunately my wife was extremely intelligent and after a short struggle allowed the animal to take them. The Orangutan then climbed onto a chair and ate the bananas. I thought he looked lonely so I began walking towards the Orangutan. I thought I would sit next to him and tell him about my upbringing. My wife tried frantically to stop me. Then I realised this was all a dream. I wasn't at the leisure centre after all. But why was I holding a bunch of bananas?