Consideration

I lay beside the mountain lake near base camp mulling over my thoughts. I was thinking about safety, and about home. I suppose I was having a cerebral workout. The direction my eyes looked indicated what I was thinking about. When I looked up I was thinking of a place. And when I looked down I was experiencing painful emotions. It was endless. At times. I considered wisely that we needed more time to rest in life. Then I thought harder. We need more time to be together. I thought fuck this shit. I went for a swim.

The waters were cold and pure. Cold and pure and sweet. I picked up a packet of toffees. I put on some music. No more fighting I thought. Are we going to climb the mountain tomorrow? Weirdly I spent a long time washing myself. My toes, and finger nails and armpits. And I thought of a thousand bad thoughts. Other peoples’ not mine. And I considered deeply. Was this me? Why does the question always evade me? Why can I not bring it to my lips? Tip of the tongue phenomenon. I was like Sylvia Plath and I began using all sorts of bizaare parallels as mere tools (thrown away afterwards). And I was getting bitter.

I was outraged. But the dawn of time is close to me. I see myself at one with it. But the appetites, I could not escape them. I knew the answers. That was it! I knew and understood the answers. Beautiful resolve. Sweet consolation. America. The fact that I did not rely on myself. I recognised bigger powers. Not understanding. And fear. Fear drives me at times. I’m an intelligent thing. And if I never understood the wonderment perhaps I wouldn’t mind. And these matters continually drew me back to realization. To consideration. And I resolved to consider closely.

I walked down the street and began talking with you. A lot of the goodness has come from before I began. Are you sure? I replied yes. So you mean to say a lot of what you have and what you are is not of your own doing? I replied I feel the answer is yes. So when two people have walked down a beach and two sets of tracks turned in to one it could have been the Lord? I replied I was unsure. He moves in mysterious ways I said. If he carries you and leaves just one set of tracks for the both of you then that is his way. Faith, of course, is being sure of what you don’t know to be true. Anyhow, I recalled this conversation and remembered it to be wise.

Then what are you going to do for yourself now? An angel had spoken. I spoke clearly the following. I will be sure of what I do not know is true and that will make me wise. I thought the angel pleased after this. And I considered that I might be burgeoning in to the very matters of existence. Of truth and of life. And I resolved that wherever I walk the Lord might also walk. And be pleased. And be there because no one ever knows when he will be needed next.