bananas

I had essentially kneed myself directly in the middle of the face. This was something that commonly occurs at parties. I considered these matters whilst at the leisure centre sitting with my back against the wall during personal downtime. I needed recuperation, you see. The left of my nose… the right of my nose…. mechanical impact… embarrassment. Oh I'm sorry. I was thinking aloud. I was proud of my thoughts nonetheless. The leisure centre was clean and bright. I retired and ate some savoury snacks. From the corner of my eye something moved violently. I froze. My body was in a fight or flight state. Adrenaline was released from glands in my nervous system. It acted to increase my heart rate. There was a large wolverine that had escaped from a local zoo. Being badger like I knew it to be one of the toughest of animals.

Fortunately the night before I had been practising cart wheels in front of my mirror in the hope that I might impress women with such an act. It was the kind of thing I did. It felt good. I found myself cartwheeling now with ease towards the door. The wolverine was angry. It felt threatened. I considered that its body was undergoing a fight or flight response. I decided to act calmly. The situation reminded me of something that happened two weeks earlier. I was beechcombing on a greek island when I saw a tortoise. It flinched as I approached and really I simply noticed that it felt threatened. It walked away once I was a good distance off. Fortunately the wolverine had found some of my savoury snacks. It started eating them. I laughed. What a funny creature it was really. But what happened next was from the buffoon's own textbook.

I planted my feet down and held out my hand firmly. I was a friendly person. I wished to give the animal a friendly welcome. It bit three of my toes off at this point. I was very happy because I had thought up a good joke to tell the beast when I had properly introduced myself concerning an escaped terrapin I had once encountered. But instead I felt the sharp crack of pain and I knew I was in trouble. But once I got to hospital things were looking better. A nurse told me I had been lucky. I had a few questions to ask. The doctor said go ahead. So I began in the following manner with the doctor replying… Will I need pain killers? No. Will I need a bandage? No. Am I allowed to walk? No. Do you have a toilet? Yes. Are you an Orangutan? Yes.

A second glance confirmed the worst. I knew Orangutans to be very dangerous when cornered. I then saw my wife coming who had been alerted to the incident via an SMS with bananas. The doctor (who was an Orangutan from Malaysia) then proceeded to chase her. I found this amusing. Fortunately my wife was extremely intelligent and after a short struggle allowed the animal to take them. The Orangutan then climbed onto a chair and ate the bananas. I thought he looked lonely so I began walking towards the Orangutan. I thought I would sit next to him and tell him about my upbringing. My wife tried frantically to stop me. Then I realised this was all a dream. I wasn't at the leisure centre after all. But why was I holding a bunch of bananas?

speed

It was essentially about speed. M T Ottz was finding it hard to consider fully. Whilst in my turbo car he stood peering in the open window grinning and saying I've seen a wild turkey. It was bollocks coz they're only in India and stuff but me and my animals knew this. Get in said I. It was like being someone's mother. He couldn't help grinning. Then he realized he was sitting in a car with a couple of chameleans and I said shit lets start up the engine. Ottz had a brother named DOU who knew more about speed. Anyway I was going to express myself in more verbal terms after the test.

Vroom. It was 4000 revs and a chasis full of car and we did a thousand yards in the dry. The next evening we slid around bends until we laughed. But it was all remarkably spirited. Then OTTZ crashed his sister's ford ka. Oh my god! He exclaimed. But it was too late. He was upside down and a man who was working class and not at all articulate to my own liking came to get the car. He was aid in full. Essentially an animal at heart he would not have done this out of kindness. It was hill living country life law. What a bastard I thought days later as I lay in the bungalow with the mosquitoes buzzing outside.

DOU came roaring past in his Ariel superlight at that point. Then there was lots of banging noises everywhere because of the hail. But someone threw some flint at Ramsbottom. I said that could have hit my friend and I hurled it back striking the man in the eye ball and he lay down dead with blood pouring out his entrails. OTTZ then said looking shocked that it was like one of his turkeys but before he could finish DOU Ariel had broken down and was like f*** that but I was like ok lets do motoring. So we tested the engine all standing around. We then all struck china cups with metal spoons to see if it made any difference. Then we were like. Oh. DOU put his up against his ear very close. A verbal wave he said. It was something to do with the engine. I didn't have a clue because I was there with my GPS thinking about toilets. OTTZ then said that he was going to make a car for turkeys but DOU and Ramsbottom slapped him in to sanity. Don't be a woman was his retort. At that point JUS who was Ottz's girlfriend took the car and put it at full revs. But up a hill. OMG. Actually she turned out the better driver. She overtook several tractors at a huge ploughing festival but sadly a falcon flew in to the bonnet. JUS didn't know about the falconry display.

We all had tea at this stage and polished our cars. Then we measured our oil. Then we put all our tool kits in to order. Then DOU said it reminded him of a story but OTTZ interrupted because he was whining about doing his best at that point. I suppose losers do their best. I don't know because my name is Michael HIll and I was watching all these events from a VW parked down the street in front of a low loader imported vehicle. Unfortunately at this stage my handbrake failed and I smashed its lights in.

THE END

Consideration

I lay beside the mountain lake near base camp mulling over my thoughts. I was thinking about safety, and about home. I suppose I was having a cerebral workout. The direction my eyes looked indicated what I was thinking about. When I looked up I was thinking of a place. And when I looked down I was experiencing painful emotions. It was endless. At times. I considered wisely that we needed more time to rest in life. Then I thought harder. We need more time to be together. I thought fuck this shit. I went for a swim.

The waters were cold and pure. Cold and pure and sweet. I picked up a packet of toffees. I put on some music. No more fighting I thought. Are we going to climb the mountain tomorrow? Weirdly I spent a long time washing myself. My toes, and finger nails and armpits. And I thought of a thousand bad thoughts. Other peoples’ not mine. And I considered deeply. Was this me? Why does the question always evade me? Why can I not bring it to my lips? Tip of the tongue phenomenon. I was like Sylvia Plath and I began using all sorts of bizaare parallels as mere tools (thrown away afterwards). And I was getting bitter.

I was outraged. But the dawn of time is close to me. I see myself at one with it. But the appetites, I could not escape them. I knew the answers. That was it! I knew and understood the answers. Beautiful resolve. Sweet consolation. America. The fact that I did not rely on myself. I recognised bigger powers. Not understanding. And fear. Fear drives me at times. I’m an intelligent thing. And if I never understood the wonderment perhaps I wouldn’t mind. And these matters continually drew me back to realization. To consideration. And I resolved to consider closely.

I walked down the street and began talking with you. A lot of the goodness has come from before I began. Are you sure? I replied yes. So you mean to say a lot of what you have and what you are is not of your own doing? I replied I feel the answer is yes. So when two people have walked down a beach and two sets of tracks turned in to one it could have been the Lord? I replied I was unsure. He moves in mysterious ways I said. If he carries you and leaves just one set of tracks for the both of you then that is his way. Faith, of course, is being sure of what you don’t know to be true. Anyhow, I recalled this conversation and remembered it to be wise.

Then what are you going to do for yourself now? An angel had spoken. I spoke clearly the following. I will be sure of what I do not know is true and that will make me wise. I thought the angel pleased after this. And I considered that I might be burgeoning in to the very matters of existence. Of truth and of life. And I resolved that wherever I walk the Lord might also walk. And be pleased. And be there because no one ever knows when he will be needed next.

sense clarification

I went out for an evening stroll. It had been a long day gardening and it really told. I had pushed a load of chaff and moved ten barrows of scrub. I had dug one hundred pounds of stone paving. It was severe. On my stroll I came across some areas that were well facilitated. They had lawns. They had railings. I saw a foot scraper. There was a house that was obvious and a house that was not. There were small hatchback cars. There were large saloon cars. There were topiary. Shaped trees. You know, all that shit.

I even saw a helicopter in someones back garden. It was that kind of place. A well provided for land. Indeed. There was little in the way of waste garbage around. I scooted down a path under some large beech trees. It was damp. And wet. I contemplated the drips on the ends of the branches as I went. Nice. Refreshing. I supped the cool moisture. Beech bushes I thought. Ivy. That was the organic makeup of the area. A black bird called. The pigeons and doves were going to bed. I understood all these items visually.

I then saw Abbottz approaching. I tried to avoid his glance because I knew he was a known psycho. But today he seemed more mellow and I listened to his news. A wise man, I thought. A careful man. But as he was talking I found I wasn't listening at all. My mind drifted off into the distance. It was thinking and concentrating adamently on a sports field and an odd wooded region somewhere. Then I realized what he was saying and said that I thought it was good. Thought it was right. I said keep doing what you are doing and do it slowly and you'll be in good standing.

I focused myself on a pencil. It was something I did. It was a mind game. It was a game of concentration. I suppose ultimately it was about sense clarification. You know experiential evidence. So I drew a sketch of a pear that I had in my pocket. Abbottz thought this was a brilliant idea. He said are you actually copying every single detail. I said that I am. That was my style I went on. I was the kind of person who liked to do EVERYTHING THE WAY THAT IT WAS MEANT TO BE DONE. I took an odd pleasure in this I suppose. I said that I liked doing things properly and demonstrated this task. Tom looked on. I crushed a can that was lying in the road under my foot.

It was this act of making sure that was crucial. It was a matter of life and death. And I knew this in my head. An unfortunate who unluckily stepped on and slipped on such an item would be dead in seconds. A person who heard a tin can rolling down the road in the wind fiendishly could be driven mad by the whole affair. Mad and dangerously unpredictable. Then it was time for something more solemn. Tom looked sombre. He had been involved in a case of armed robbery. He had attempted to steal some orangey brown shoe polish. His weapon was a house brick with a battery of Queen albums attached to it with wire. I'd have to bail him out. It would cost £130.

I walked away from the police station. As I sat on the corner of the town square and waited for Abbottz I became aware of a hunger. Really, in this commercial centre there was only consumerism. Abbottz said he had no money so I had to buy coffees for us. They were served by a beautiful person. Abbottz was fond of beautiful people and he talked about them. But not at length. Short and snappy was his style. I felt that the ice cream cafe was not fully mature. How odd.

I climbed the stone steps and stabbed Mr Smith in the chest with piece of lego.

Safety

Safety was important to me. It was a cold and misty afternoon. I was in the Lake District on a walk to inspect the drinking water reservoir. It was just something I liked to do in my spare time. I was halfway up on my climb and stopped for a wayside snack. I sat down and gazed down the sprawling mountain slope. A ring ouzel fluttered past. It reminded me of a similar situation I had been in the previous year. When it comes to personal safety I knew safety equipment was vital. I was fully aware of these matters. Unfortunately two young ramblers I had met in this situation the previous year were not.

I shouldered my pack and continued slowly upward. My pace was steady. If I was going to do this climb I was going to do it safely! I couldn’t help my mind wandering back to that fateful afternoon that I had been reminded of at my stop. I replayed the events in my mind. It was bitterly cold and we were in the Yorkshire dales. I noticed the two ramblers immediately because they stood out in particular. They were poorly dressed for the conditions and I felt that they might have been plain stupid. I trailed them from a distance, making sure that they didn’t notice me. Every time they looked back I made a movement like a seagull so that I surely would not be seen.

How I loved to duck and dodge. I remember laughing out loud at the safe behaviour I was undergoing. I kept my cool and sure enough the couple had become lost. I had to keep a sharp check on my position just to stay alive. Then the snow came. So thick and fast that I nearly lost the ramblers. Needless to say, I was forced to stop them and ask if they needed my assistance. I took out a thermos of hot drink and gave it to them. Then I put them in my emergency bothy bag and told them to stay calm. I actually noticed the early signs of hypothermia slowly kicking in. When I asked them where they thought they were the answers were shocking. One of them was convinced he was a shark. He kept puffing his cheeks out as if they were gills.

Now, here on the mountainside the reservoir wasn’t far off. I stood at the head of the reservoir. Night was coming on fast. It reminded me of a time a year ago. I was skidding and sliding my way down a large crag when I realized I had gone bananas. I then knew I had to act. I had left a kit bag full of emergency safety gear at a location in the cliff some weeks before, in anticipation of an emergence such as the then present one. Unfortunately I had buried the kit bag deep under a patch of soft ground and did not have a shovel.

I then remembered I had tied a small stash of money to the crags and looked to see if I could find that. I couldn’t locate that either. I was stuffed. As I harkened back I made a note that this emergency was all down to a lack of planning. Next time I’d take a trolley full of gear. I saw a Raven. Presently, the drinking water systems surrounded me. They all seemed to be in order. Then I remembered that I wasn’t at the reservoir after all! I had fallen in the lake and, flailing on the bank half choking on lake water, I had almost drowned. Shocking! I was lucky to be alive! That was it. I had had enough. I vowed never to go near the mountains again.

excessive emission

I was essentially a bad arse. I got out of my car and pressed my gun against a man’s head and told him to eat the floor. From the corner of my eye I saw an armoured car and blew it up with my grenade launcher. I was essentially a narrative writer, and this caused me to pay close attention to every detail. But not today. Today I was going to be casual about everything.

Tom came careering around the corner in a Warrior pickup truck and froze someone with his industrial nitrogen gun. Cool off he said. Hi there. Don’t blow a fuse he said. We decided to bus through a campus in Oxford. Suddenly seven girls burst from wheelie bins and we despatched them with Light Machine guns. Then we hit the tank. Mike Trew was cycling on his bike but I got pissed with his arse and terminated him like a bitch.

We had already reduced some of the emissions of the city and we took shelter at The Pastilles near where the road to London used to be. Sadly I slipped on some dog muck and ended up getting pretty much ventilated. Tom picked up his shit and took out three workmen in vans with vicious Uzi fire. Don’t make me environ-MENTAL next time cackled Tom as he began digging a hole in the lawn. He liked to keep his ground skills up.

I split. Things weren’t going well. But I thought I could salvage something out of this all. So I went urban walking. No more guns I said to myself. I drop kicked a small dog over a railing. It helped me to think. Weirdly the dog’s owner came to a sticky end on the point of a bonobo’s jack knife. I chuckled until realising that I was looking at a house with fourteen bmws. I grenaded it. I can’t take the emissions anymore. They are microscopic. And everything was essentially capitalism. What will I do? I stared into a flock of birds high above. Tom had started driving a few boats from the Thames to the countryside. I walked boldly into my new environmental career. Emissions were history.

Top Gear

Smashing Jeremy in the face we resolved that we would have to continue on our own. A Skoda Fabia. With a 2 litre. Hammond said we would need tools and May was quickly promised chips. Here was the brief. A Skoda Fabia around the track in one minute forty. It wasn’t going to be a breeze. We took off the doors. The heavy engine would give us plenty of traction. We bashed out the back window. Suddenly we were going on an off road adventure in Wales. Proper country lane shit. We saw sheep. We had some spare fuel and decided to do a mega marathon with trail rations.

Could we reverse up a hillock? Could we bollocks! This front wheel drive stuff was hard. We then took a Stanley knife and made all the tyres knobbly. This didn’t work. We reduced the tyre pressure. It worked fine and we reversed up the hills in sunny weather. It was time to camp. So we bivied. But we only had crisps for dinner. We woke up cold. We topped the fuel tank up at a Welsh station. Then we shifted back. Hammond claimed this was the craziest shit he had ever gotten into.

Jeremy was in a Make-the-Skoda-Faster mock up car. It was essentially a Toyota pick up. Powerrrr! Jeremy loaded the truck up with two tonnes of bricks and decided to drive it all over the grass! Then we handed it over to the top gear tame racing driver. Stiggy-boy. Ready, set, go and he was off. He powered his way around the track, blitzing it like a tornado. He failed to make the time. Then we did a night rally at Waddesdon manor with crowds and popcorn and hotdogs and it was a 24-hour race.

Jeremy shouted power and bashed out all the windows with a hammer. We then melted the interior and took out the lights and seats. We fitted narrow wheels and tyres. Making it with ease everything was great and under 1 minute forty but sadly Stiggy crashed and lost his crown jewels. May said f*** shit but eventually even Captain Slow had made the time. It was then down to Hammond who finished nicely but only in the nick of time. Jeremy said Skoda’s were like prawn baguettes with wheels. He said I AM DRIVING A BOWL OF SALAD. I tried it but I crashed and hurt my nuts. We’d managed to complete another epic challenge.

Convenience

Convenience is a bonus if it is reachable. But fury is like a dancing fairy. It cannot be restrained. I considered the deer. It is not amazingly convenient. But it CAN frolic like a butterfly. It CAN leap and it CAN bound. So, perhaps it is moderately convenient after all. I recalled Richard’s beaming face. To him the life of a pygmy meant convenience. He told me how once he had shot an elephant with a bow. Convenience is the price to pay for society. I mean some live for convenience. Some die for convenience. Some will kill for convenience. I just ate a sausage roll out of convenience!

I know a lot about this subject. If a car is coming towards you it is easy for the driver to break using his toes. In fact this happens to me a lot and I imagine the events in my head night after night. But it is harder for a person to move their entire body weight to an alternate direction using just their toes. A man was coming towards me and had to brake. Humans do not have brakes! Society is not THAT convenient!

Convenience convenience convenience. It is all I hear. The leaves of the forest are like branches. Going where they wish. Snow White is like a bucketful of chewing gum. But back to the deer. I caught one and gutted it instantly. I was grateful to the God of ease.